Alone: Tenth Doctor and Rose
by songbirdgirl
Summary: TenXRose oneshot from the Doctor's pov. Warning: Contains feels. Please R&R!


Being around Rose was so different. It was painful and scary and exhilarating. I met her the way I normally make new friends- while running for our lives. And for the first time in a long time, a felt the flicker of something other than dispair. My ninth incarnation did dispair perfectly. After what he had just done in our previous incarnation, I don't blame him.

But that girl brought something out in me. She was cute and clever and had that distracting habit of poking her pink little tongue out of her mouth when she grinned. I was so much older than her when we met, and I even looked old enough to be her dad. And I had those ears! But stars was she pretty. And she helped me save the earth. In all my time, I never get over how resilient humans are.

I watched that stupid useless lump hug her round the middle when I asked her to go with me and knew as soon as I did she would say no. This amazingly special pink and yellow human was going to stay in her ordinary life, when there was so much I could show her. And I knew even then she deserved better than that kind of life. But she said no and I climbed back into the TARDIS and left. The anger I had pushed down during our adventure boiled, and the hopelessness welled up and threatened to overflow. I went far away and long ago. I tried everything to get her off my mind, but everything I saw reminded me of her. And I knew I had to go back. So I did.

"Did I mention it also travels in times?"

And this time she came with me. Dying for her was easy, because she had already made me a better person. And this time I was not so much older-looking than her. And my ears were normal. And she was full of doubt and panic, but by the end of my regeneration cycle we were okay again. That was the thing about me and Rose- we were always okay.

I knew she was interested in me before I regenerated, but it was easy to ignore in that body. It was not as easy in this body, and I was so in love with her. And that made it so difficult to be around her sometimes. She was so eager to see the universe and solve problems that she reminded me of Sarah Jane. She reminded me of Vicki. Of Susan. And that made it even harder, because she reminded me of all of the people I had loved in one way or another, and lost.

And I knew that one day, I would lose her, too. But she never seemed to get that. She couldn't or wouldn't. There was a part of me that loved her, and it hurt. And I have to admit, there was part of me that would get uncomfortable- almost frustrated- with what she wanted from me. Humans were amzaing to me, but I am not human and that wonder did not mean I wanted to live a human life. Even back home, I was not good at being a husband. I never liked to stay on one planet long enough to be good at it.

So the day her mother made me promise I would always bring her back, I gave her my word. I knew what it was like to lose people. And Canary Warf. I tried to keep that promise, and Rose came back. Rose always came back. That was the beauty of her stubbornness. I thought I was going to watch her end up with a fate worse than death when her father caught her and took her back. I would've had to watch her get sucked into the void, and there was nothing I could've done. I couldn't let go. And as soon as she was gone, all I could do was think to myself over and over again that Rose would have let go anyway. To try to save me. And that was the difference between her and I. Between humans and myself. She would have let go. And I did not.

Later, after she came back with the cannon, I found out she had waited on the other side of that wall for five and a half hours. I was surprised she had remembered something I had said as a joke while she was mad at me. I did not wait five and a half hours. I left, and I started trying to find a way to say goodbye. And I did. And she told me she loved me- something I knew all along. And I would have told her. I should have. But I didn't. And that was all she needed to fuel her drive to get back. And in the meantime? Well, I stayed busy. The life I live doesn't leave much time to dwell.

Except for now. Now is one of those rare moments when I had to make the hard choices, the _right _choices, and am rewarded with too much time alone to think. I left her on that beach again. Left her with a man that is me, but I am not him. I will not get to live my days out with that beautiful pink and yellow girl with the pink name and the pink tongue. He will. With all of my thoughts and memories and my girl. I left them TARDIS coral. She will have happiness. He told her what I couldn't, and she kissed him. And not telling her again, after being given a second chance? I wasn't sure I could do it, but I knew it was the only way she would stay with him. Then I took Donna home. And now I'm here. Sarah Jane told me I have the biggest family on Earth, but for someone with so many friends, none of them seem to be around. They all have someone else. And I'm sitting here, alone.


End file.
